Can We Play Nice?

I’ve been thinking for a while on what to write about. I’ve passed over ideas related to my love of estate sales, how so many people are carrying trauma around, my thoughts about my mother now that she has passed, and even about what’s happening in my writing life, which can be summed up succinctly: I’m trying to finish my novel. But what seems to stick with me is the importance of kindness and playing fair right now. I keep hearing people talk about how important it is to just be nice to each other, especially now, with political tensions high.

It’s no good to point to the other side as responsible for a mess. In a marriage or significant relationship, we know that blaming the other person gets us nowhere. Sometimes the other person does screw up, but pushing their nose in it isn’t helpful. It’s important to have discussions with adversaries and think about how the world looks to them. But it isn’t easy. It seems so much easier to live in an “us versus them” culture. But there isn’t a lot of happiness in that. Or progress.

And sometimes it’s hard to know what’s true. I’ve read that our social media feeds tend to focus on our political or world views. I try to fact check things I see. Sometimes there are made-up accounts that look very real. So you have to Google these and see if they appear elsewhere to verify their authenticity. My family is made up of Democrats and Republicans, so conversations often start with wondering what is really true.

I like my discussions with others to focus on listening and problem-solving rather than complaining. I try to redirect conversations based on complaining. Those conversations make my head ache. I feel bad when I complain about other people, but I still do it sometimes. I guess everybody does once in a while. I don’t like conflict, but I will stand up for what I believe, even if it might be unpopular with the group I’m in. And I think that this is really important. We have to see each other as people. When someone makes a sweeping generalization about people, it’s okay to say, “I feel uncomfortable when you say…” In the most perfect world, we wouldn’t say something about a person if we wouldn’t say it to their face. I think about that when judgmental thoughts are about to spill from my mouth.

One of the annoying things I do when someone is irritated with me is to be nice to them. I think this makes the other person uncomfortable, which, I will admit, gives me a little bit of pleasure. There’s an old saying about killing people with kindness. I’ll go out of my way to compliment a person on the way they are dressed or even an idea they have. And what I’m really saying is: I’m not going to let that ball of anger I have with you fester inside me. I’m going to let it go, and I hope you do, too. The cool thing about being nice to other people is that it makes you feel good inside when you do it.

I’m a big people watcher and I get a kick out of being nice to those around me. So, if I’m at the grocery store, I might let you cut in line ahead of me if you only have a few items. If I run into one of your family members, I might tell them how much I admire you. It bugs me when people don’t pay attention to others around them. Like an old person struggling to lift their grocery bags into their car or a person looking upset or maybe ill. It doesn’t take much effort to ask that person if they need help or are feeling okay. Just noticing the people around you is a big deal. Really.

At my house, we just finished watching all three seasons of Ted Lasso. If you don’t know about the show, it focuses on a man who wants to make connections with people by being nice and by sharing feelings. At first, the people in the show kind of think he is a big weirdo, but as they get to know him, people in the show really grow to like him, if not love him.

I like to ask my husband about what he has enjoyed in his day. He often will say that being with me is the best part of his day. But I think he is just saying that. I will usually share something, too. I really like being with my friends, going to the dog park, or working in my garden. I’ve found that reading a good book makes me happy. I just finished reading James by Percival Everett. It’s a great novel, and I recommend it. It’s about rethinking things we thought we understood.

When I’m happy, it’s a lot easier to be nice to people. My theory is that the nicer you are to others, the happier you are, and that niceness spreads infinitely to the world around you. And it just might make you feel more hopeful about the world we’re in. And did I say that I appreciate you for taking the time to read my blog? Thanks for reading, and have a good day.